Spank you very much
It is done. Finally. I have been working on this masterpiece for a year. (Okay, only five hours out of that year, but hey.) It probably has spelling mistakes, names misspelled, and factual errors, but I'm too excited to keep it to myself. That's right folks, my PRIDE AND PREJUDICE PARODY is going to be published right here on my blog. Keep in mind this is a parody of the 2005 movie, not the book. So read, enjoy, and if there are any embarrassing mistakes or if you love it to death, leave a comment. I'll edit it later.
Pride and Prejudice
For the busy person in your life
By Leslie Satterfield
Hertfordshire
Elizabeth Bennet: *Closes book and smiles to herself. Runs into house where her sisters are listening in through door to their parents conversation.*
Mrs. Bennet: A "Mr. Bingley" is coming to Hertfordshire! He's a single man possession of a good fortune, he must be in want of a wife! Hurry, we have to call dibs before someone else does!
Girls: * Giggle insanely *
Mr. Bennet: I don't see the hurry. *smiles*
Mrs. Bennet: Now! Get up! Let's go! Let's move!
Mr. Bennet: Let me finish the paper. *Eye twinkles*
Mrs. Bennet: Do you have any idea what you're putting me through?!? *Starts kicking him and stomping on his feet*
Mr. Bennet: Pipe down, woman! I'll have you know I already went to see him and everyone can meet him at the ball. *Smiles mischievously, nods head*
Mrs. Bennet: *faints*
Girls: *Giggle insanely*
Ball
Everyone: *dances and has a good time*
Doors: *open*
Music: *stops*
Everyone: *freezes and stares*
Mr. Darcy, Mr. Bingley, and Miss Bingley cross room.
Mr. Darcy: *stony glare*
Miss Bingley: *snobbish smirk*
Mr. Bingley: *happy charismatic smile*
Everyone: *stares, then music starts and they start dancing again*
Mrs. Bennet: *pushes herself, Mr. Bennet, Jane, Elizabeth, and Mary through the crowd to the newcomers.*
Mr. Bennet: This is my family, Mrs. Bennet, Jane, Elizabeth and Mary. Our other daughters Kitty and Lydia are off wasting their youth flirting with officers.
Mr. Bingley: Would you like to dance, Miss Bennet?
Jane: I would love to.
Mr. Bingley and Jane: *dance and have a very nice time*
Mrs. Bennet: *beams, can't believe her luck.*
Elizabeth: Do you dance, Mr. Darcy?
Mr. Darcy: Not if I can help it. grumblegrumblegosuckanegggrumble. *stony glare*
Mrs. Bennet (aside) Ooooooohh he's quite the catch! 10,000 a year!
Ball. Later.
Elizabeth and her friend Charlotte are talking and giggling. They are hidden and Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley can't see them.
Mr. Bingley: Jane Jane Jane Jane Jane Jane Jane Jane Jane Jane Jane. *swoons*
Elizabeth and Charlotte: *beam*
Mr. Darcy: *eye roll* She smiles too much and looks too damn happy!
Elizabeth and Charlotte: *frown*
Mr. Bingley: What about the other Miss Bennet?
Elizabeth: *ear perk*
Mr. Darcy: Tolerable. OK. Whatever. *stoney glare*
Mr. Bingley: .................... We've got to work on your people skills.
Bennet Home
The Bennets are eating breakfast.
Mrs. Bennet: Ball! Bingley! Jane! dance! whole time! 5000 pounds!
Mr. Bennet: *sigh* We were THERE you know.
Jane: I got a letter from Pemberly! Miss Bingley wants to see me!
Mrs. Bennet: Will MR. BINGLEY be there?!
Jane: Ummm, no.
Mrs. Bennet: grumblegrumblegrumble. *sees it looks like rain outside. Laughs maniacally. *
Jane: Can I take the carriage?
Mrs. Bennet: Of course not! It looks like rain! You shall go on horseback! There's nothing that would make me happier then seeing my first born being stranded miles away in the house of people we hardly know.
Elizabeth: abububububu....................................WHAT?!
Mr. Bennet: Why are you so surprised, Lizzy? This is your MOTHER we are talking about.
Elizabeth: Oh.......yeah. You're right.
Bennet house.
Elizabeth runs into room, flourishing a letter from Jane.
Elizabeth: Jane's sick!
Mrs. Bennet: How wonderful!
Mr. Bennet: *sarcastically* At least we know she'll die of something as noble as chasing a husband, not something silly like old age, or defending her country.
Mrs. Bennet: How right you are!
Elizabeth: I am going to Pemberly to see Jane! Even if that horrible Mr. Darcy is there!
Mrs. Bennet: Good idea! Do you think Mr. Bingley has any brothers?
Pemberley
Mr. Darcy and Miss Bingley are at tea. The butler comes in and presents Elizabeth.
Mr. Darcy and Miss Bingley: *exchange looks*
Elizabeth: *trails in dirt from her dress. * Where's my sister???
Miss Bingley: *points upstairs. Jaw drops. Horror stricken look at messy floor*
Elizabeth: k thnx. *runs upstairs.*
Miss Bingley: Did she...........................WALK?!?!
Mr. Darcy: um...Ishupossooo. *can't speak because he's so turned on*
Miss Bingley: You've been acting awfully strange lately, maybe there's something in the water.
Mr. Darcy: *drools*
Jane's room at Pemberly
Jane: Mr. Bingley Mr. Bingley Mr. Bingley Mr. Bingley Mr. Bingley Mr. Bingley Mr. Bingley!! *swoons*
Elizabeth: *eye roll* heh. heh. . . . I'm so glad you're okay!
Mr. Bingley comes in.
Mr. Bingley: Um, Hi! I just, well see, um I'm glad you're sick. here. not sick, I don't want you to be sick, I'm glad you're in my bed. I mean my house. Darcy's house. niceweathertodayUmmm well igottago.........see you later!
Jane: He's PERFECT!
Pemberly drawing room
Elizabeth reads, Mr. Darcy writes letters, Miss Bingley flirts shamelessly.
Miss Bingley: Come here Elizabeth, let's strut around the room.
Elizabeth: Ummm............alright...........
Mr. Darcy: If anyone was curious, I haven't been impressed by any woman I have ever met.
Elizabeth: Real classy, Darcy
Mr. Darcy: You two are just walking around because you think it makes you look hot. *checks Elizabeth out*
Miss Bingley: What a horrible thing to say! How should we punish him, Elizabeth?
Elizabeth: We shall spank him!
Mr. Darcy: adda.....um....wa-wa-what did you say?
Elizabeth: I said "let's laugh at him." Why, what did you think I said?
Mr. Darcy: Umm.... never mind. Heh heh. *pours cold water over head*
Miss Bingley: *eyes him nervously* Maybe we should switch to Aguafina.....
Pemberly. Outside.
Jane is all better. She and Elizabeth are going home in one of the Pemberly carriages.
Jane: Goodbye everyone! Thanks for letting us stay!
Mr. Bingley: Come back anytime! How about next week? Tomorrow? Why don't you stay for a few more weeks? Months?
Jane: *giggle* Oh, you!
Elizabeth: It was a pleasure talking to you, Miss Bingley. Goodbye, Mr. Bingley, goodbye everyone!
Mr. Darcy: *helps Elizabeth into the carriage. Thinks: OMGOMGOMGOMG our hands TOUCHED!!! WOOHOO!*
Elizabeth: *thinks: EEW! boy cooties!!!*
Mr. Darcy: *walks away*
Mr. Darcy's hand: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
Bennet Home
Mr. Bennet: Welcome home, you two! I just got a letter. Guess who's coming to stay for a while, our cousin, Mr. Collins! Apparently he will inherit the house after I die, instead of my family.
Elizabeth: He couldn't possibly want you to prostitute one of your daughters to keep the house, could he?
Mr. Bennet: Don't be silly, dear.
Bennet Home. Later.
Mr. Collins arrives.
Mrs. Bennet: Welcome! Welcome! Make yourself at home!
Mr. Collins: Thank you, it's a real pleasure to be here. Now, where are my beautiful cousins?
Mrs. Bennet: This is Jane, (aside) she's going to be engaged soon.
Mr. Collins: Ah, I see.
Mrs. Bennet: And this is ELIZABETH, and ELIZABETH'S sisters. (aside) She's free as a bird!
Mr. Collins: Charming! You have a wonderful family!
Bennet Home. After dinner.
Mr. Collins: Lady Catherine Lady Catherine Lady Catherine Lady Catherine Lady Catherine Lady Catherine!!
I'm a minister. Lady Catherine always says that the minister should lead by example. Lady Catherine says I should GET MARRIED. Lady Catherine is helping me with a CHARMING LITTLE HOUSE at the moment. Perfect for a FAMILY. You should see it sometime! And you should all visit LADY CHATHERINE!
Bennets: *look at each other, then everyone starts laughing and pointing*
Mr. Collins: grumblegumbleladycatherinewouldn'tapproveofsuchbehaviorgrumble
In town
Elizabeth, Kitty, and Lydia walk into town. Kitty and Lydia want to get ribbons for the upcoming ball at Pemberly.
Elizabeth, Kitty and Lydia go into a shop.
Mr. Wikham: I'm awfully bad at buying ribbons, you know. *winks at Elizabeth* Bad bad bad bad bad.
Elizabeth: Oooh, do tell. *bats eyelashes* You're very brave to admit that, what DO the other officers do with you?
Mr. Wikham: Oh look! How foolish of me! I just dropped something! *slowly bends over to pick it up*
Elizabeth: *checks him out. Throws another ribbon on the floor* Oops! Silly me! Be a dear and pick it up, won't you?
Mr. Wikham: *growls*
River
Elizabeth and Mr. Wikham are talking by a river. Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley are on horses on the other side of the river.
Mr. Bingley: Well, what are the odds, we were just going to your house!
Mr. Darcy: *eyes Mr. Wikham. Flips him off, then rides away.*
Mr. Bingley: Ummm.....heh heh. I'll be right back. *rides off after Darcy*
Elizabeth: What's his problem?
Mr. Wikham: Well, we grew up together, and I was always his dads favorite. So when he died he left everything to me, but Darcy was so jealous he didn't give me anything, and now I'm just a poor foot soldier. *hangs head sorrowfully.*
Elizabeth: How horrible! You need a hug! *hugs him*
Mr. Wikham: Every day is a struggle. *smiles*
Pembery ball
The Bennets all go to the ball at Mr. Bingley's house
Mr. Bingley: Ooh! Ooh! Jane! Over here, Jane! *bounces up and down*
Mrs. Bennet: Yay! *bounces up and down too*
Elizabeth looks for Mr. Wikham
Mr. Collins: Say, care to dance? *They dance*
Elizabeth: *looks away from Mr Collins, whistles, talks to other dancers*
Mr. Collins: I just want you to know it is my intention of stalking you this evening. Oh look, there's Mr. Darcy, the nephew of LADY CATHERINE.
Camera: *zooms around trying to show as many people and plot lines as posible*
Mr. Bingley: *tugs on Jane's dress*
Mr. Darcy: Um, I know you're white trash an' all, but I'm prepared to overlook that right now, so, um, you want to dance?
Elizabeth's eyes: No! Get away, perv!
Elizabeth's lips: Love to!
*they dance*
Mr. Darcy: So, I hear you like FLIRTING WITH LITTLE DIPSHITS!
Elizabeth: What do you mean? I've never flirted with you!
Mr. Darcy: Grumblegrumblethat'snotwhatImentgrumble. I'm talking about Wikham. I don't like him and I'm not going to tell you why!
Mr. Collins in background: Lady Catherine! Marriage! House!
Elizabeth: *sigh* This is going to be a long night.
Bennet House. Next morning
Mr. Collins: Elizabeth. You are poor. You have no prospects. But, you were my almost-first choice for marriage among your sisters. Please marry me because LADY CATHERINE says I need a wife.
Elizabeth: That's sweet, but no way.
Mr. Collins: How cute, no seriously. Marry me.
Elizabeth: I said NO, and I mean it!
Mr. Collins: You are so fond of game playing I'm borderline aroused.
Elizabeth: I would rather eat several large porcupines than marry you!! *storms out door*
Mr. Collins: *yells after her* Should I take that as a yes?
Bennet house. Later.
Jane: I'm so distrot! Mr. Bingley is leaving! I think I will go stay with my aunt and Uncle.
Charlotte: I too must leave! You will NEVER guess who just proposed to me. Mr. Collins! Yeah, he's ugly and annoying, but hey, what can you do? Why don't you come visit us, I'm sure it wouldn't be uncomfortable at all.
Elizabeth: . . . . Are you SURE you don't have any porcupines?
Collins house
Mr. Collins: let's go visit LADY CATHERINE! Don't worry, Elizabeth. LADY CATHERINE likes poor people.
They walk to Lady Catherine's house.
Lady Catherine: grumblegrumble I hate the world.
Mr. Darcy: Why, what a surprise to see you here, Elizabeth! I would never have guessed in a million trillion years that we would bump in to each other. Can I hold your hand and follow you around like a dog?
Lady Catherine: Not so fast, buster. We have to insult her first. Miss Bennet, you're stupid and have bad manners. Now PLAY THE PIANO!
Elizabeth: But I'm not good! I won't!
Mr. Darcy: I'll spank you if you don't!
Elizabeth: *considers for a moment, then starts playing*
Mr. Darcy: (softly) nooooooooooo.....
Mr. Collins's church
Colonel Forester: God, that man is boring. Did I ever tell you about Mr. Darcy telling Mr. Bingley not to marry Miss Jane Bennet? It was really a good call. Apparently Miss Bennet is a real bitch, I--
Elizabeth: *runs away*
Mr. Darcy: *runs after her*
God: *Throws lightning bolts at Forester*
Under Some Bridge in the Country
Elizabeth: Aah! I hate you! You told Mr. Bingley not to marry Jane!
Mr. Darcy: I thought she didn't love him!
Elizabeth: That's a lame excuse!
Mr. Darcy: Ok, my mistake! Wow. You look nice. And wet. And-- say, since you're in such a good mood right now, will you marry me?
Elizabeth: WHY the hell would I do that?!?
Mr. Darcy: Um, because I'm a million times better than Mr. Wikham. There's a lot you don't know about him, missy.
Elizabeth: Like what.
Mr. Darcy: I would tell you, but that would make you like me, and I rather enjoy the sexual tension we got goin' on.
Elizabeth: You mean like this? *steps closer to him. They stare at each other for several minutes*
Mr. Darcy: *faints*
Collins home. Later.
Mr. Darcy: Here. Letter. Must go now.
Elizabeth: *reads* I am tired of playing games. You always insult me and call me names and TEASE about spanking. The truth is, Mr. Wikham got some money from my father and spent it drinking. Then he tried to marry my sister for money and broke her heart. Also, I was just trying to help Mr. Bingley, not make a life long enemy of Jane. My bad.
Elizabeth: So confused! I have lingering feelings of hatred even though all my reasons are false! At least I won't see him again. In fact, I think I'll go stay with my aunt and uncle for a while, that should keep my mind off things.
Somewhere in the country by a broken carriage
Elizabeth's aunt: Hey what do ya know! That's Mr. Darcy's house up there! He's such a sweetie! Let's go say hi.
Elizabeth: noooooooooo!
Mr. Darcy's House
Elizabeth walks around, thinking Mr. Darcy is in London. Looks at all his half-naked statues.
Elizabeth: Well, I guess someone with a million half-naked statues of angels can't be all that bad! Now I just have to find one of him...
Mr. Darcy: Well hello. What are you doing here!
Elizabeth: Aah! I thought you were in London! I'm here with my aunt and uncle.
Mr. Darcy: Lovely. Great.
Elizabeth: Yup.
Mr. Darcy: Family good?
Elizabeth: Never better.
Mr. Darcy: . . . . nice weather today. . . .
Elizabeth: Yup. . . . . . . Well got to go. See you 'round!
Elizabeth's aunt: See, that wasn't uncomfortable at all!
Later
Elizabeth's aunt: Oh, did I tell you we're going to spend tomorrow with Mr. Darcy and have a great time?
Elizabeth: Goody.
Next Day
Elizabeth: *Has a great time*
Mr. Darcy: *charms*
Elizabeth: Lookee here, a letter! OMG Lydia went missing with Mr. Wikham.
Mr. Darcy: *temple throb. Strips off dress cloths to reveal Superman suit* Don't worry, I'm totally not going to save your sister's bony 15 year old ass. I'm just going for a . . . walk. . .
Elizabeth's uncle: That's right, don't trouble yourself on our account.
Elizabeth: Sure. . . . whatever. . . . just, uh, turn around slowly for a minute. . . . . . . . . good. . . . . good. . . . .
Bennet Home
Mrs. Bennet: Oh, you're back! I'm so worried! So unnerved! Think of what this will do to our family name! it's horrible, horrible, horrible.
Jane: Hey, here's a letter. It says that Mr. Wikham and Lydia eloped!
Mrs. Bennet: What? My little Lydia? Married? THIS IS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!
Elizabeth: But Mr. Wikham said he would marry her only if we paid him! I wonder who did? We don't know ANY rich people. Must have been good ol' Aunt and Uncle.
Mrs. Bennet: SOO HAPPY!!!!
Bennet Home. Later.
Lydia and Mr. Wikham are visiting.
Lydia: SOO HAPPY! I'm a married woman!
Mr. Wikham: *Sheepish smile*
Everyone else except Mrs. Bennet: *Stony glare*
Mrs. Bennet: SOO HAPPY! She's a married woman!
Lydia: Well, it's been great catching up, bye!
Bennet Home. Later still.
Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy are at the door
Mrs. Bennet *out of the corner of her mouth* Act. Casual.
Mr. Bingley: Um, I, can I um, well first of all it's great to see you again, and I uhbawell uh, CAN I TALK TO MISS BENNET ALONE?
Miss Bennets: *look around* Ya have to more specific.
Mr. Bingley: Sorry, can I talk to Jane?
Everyone: *files out*
Mr. Bingley: Jane, I loved you from the moment I saw you. You complete me. Will you marry me?
Jane: *sobs* You had me from "*happy charismatic smile*" ! Yes!
Mrs. Bennet: *faints on other side of door*
Bennet Home. Midnight.
Lady Catherine: *storms in* Where's the biatch?
Elizabeth: I was going to pretend I didn't know who you were talking about, but never mind.
Lady Catherine: DON'T MARRY MR. DARCY. He's ALREADY ENGAGED. *froths at mouth*
Elizabeth: Well I'm not, and please stand outside if you gotta drool.
Lady Catherine: Do you promise NEVER to marry him!?
Elizabeth: NOO! Get out, you old hag!
Lady Catherine: No one has ever spoken to me like that before! You die! *hits Elizabeth weakly with walking stick* Oh screw it.
Bennet Home. A few days later
Elizabeth decides to go on a walk in the morning mist.
Elizabeth: *sniff* Everybody married except ME.
Mr. Darcy: *Appears in mist* I have learned much these past months. I am now going to propose to you when you like me AND when you're all down in the dumps about not being married AND good ol' aunty Catherine told me you said you wouldn't say you wouldn't marry me. *inhales* So will you?
Elizabeth: Yay! Hey, wait a minute, I want a corny over-used line like Jane!
Mr. Darcy: Umm, I wish I knew how to quit you?
Elizabeth: Awwwww. *Hug*
Darcy Home
Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy sit by the pond.
Mr. Darcy: I'm so glad we're married. Since you changed your name, what should I call you for everyday use?
Elizabeth: Poodles
Mr. Darcy: What about special occasions?
Elizabeth: Your blinding magnificence
Mr. Darcy: What about when I'm really horny?
Elizabeth: Mrs. Darcy
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy Mrs. Darcy
Elizabeth: *Spank spank*
THE END
Labels: Parody, Pride and Prejudice
posted by Leslie Jo @ 12/22/2006
2 Comments
